he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
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