Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
Randomize
