Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
Randomize
