I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
I accidentally burped into my bong.
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Randomize
