I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
Check out this gay circle: I've now hooked up with my ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend, and most recently my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend's ex-fling.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Randomize
