I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
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