i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
I take back everything I said about communal showers
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
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