Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
Randomize
