allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
Randomize
