You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
