After last night, I could never be a politician.
The karaoke bar doesnt have electric avenue. Ill just have to pick another song and sing the lyrics to electric avenue
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
Randomize
