My boss' voice literally gives me gas
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
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