I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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