You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
