Dude my mom stole all your condoms
I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
After he finished I threw up my arms and shouted STEVE HOLT!
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
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