If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize