Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
Randomize
