There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
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