yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
the liver wants what the liver wants
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
Randomize
