You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
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