hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
who has not yet felt my sugrcially enhanced boobs. HurryI am at the bnar and it is 1:15 am
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
