you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Randomize
