I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
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