If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
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