hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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