You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
Randomize
