I woke up this AM and all of my clothes i wore last night are gone. Instead i am dressed in air jordans, boxers, cargo shorts, and an Affliction t-shirt. the part that upsets me most is that i was with a guy who wears Affliction t-shirts.
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
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