did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
Its not drinking alone if you got Tiger on the Wii.
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
Randomize
