people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
worst night to have a conscience
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
Randomize
