I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
