you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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