i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Randomize
