we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Randomize
