Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
