everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
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