Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
Randomize
