he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
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