Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
The look your mother gives you when she sees you masterbating on web cam is unlike any I've seen before, but this is a case where, I would say, ignorance is bliss.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
