Just fell off a train. Bad.
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
Randomize
