That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
Randomize
