i just sent this text using only my big toe
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
Randomize
