Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
ANIME MEN ARE MAKING ME QUESTION MY SEXUALITY AGAIN
Randomize