The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
is wine microwaveable?
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
What's your opinion on eating ass? Just looking for a yes or no
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
Randomize
