wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
Randomize
