the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
Well I just put wine in my tea
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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