Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
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