She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
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