everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
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