I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
she screamed"i told you already! counter clockwise spiral and the clockwise spiral!!" right in the middle of sex
wow, i never thought dating a choreographer would be so harsh
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Randomize
