Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize