Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
