The maid of honor just puked.
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
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