ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Legal advice please. Can you sue someone for jerking off to photos of you?
Randomize
