Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?
Ya
I used to kick so much ass
im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
Randomize
