There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
Randomize
