I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
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