I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
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